Everything you're Eating now will Kill you

This is a serious issue you guys, so listen close:

It's Ramadan, in other words, it's that time of the year when you get so hungry, nibbling on your baby's toes, takes on a whole new meaning. I want to eat EVERYTHING. But I also want to be healthy, which basically means I can't eat anything. Because apparently everything you can eat in this fear-mongering 21st century will kill you. This is no exaggeration and by the end of this post, I will have scientifically proven to you that we should all give up on food and form a starvation pact.

Remember that rubbish they taught us in school about 'balanced meals' that include all the food groups in the food pyramid? Yeah, that will kill you. You see the food pyramid has meat and meat is bad for you for these reasons:

1- Red meat has been linked to colon cancer, high cholesterol and heart disease.

2- Farmed chicken is evil on so many levels. At best you're eating a deformed chicken that never saw the light of day and barely survived being crushed by the hundreds of other chickens squashed together. The worst scenario is you'll probably be eating a chicken that's been pumped with so many hormones, they'll get your husband growing bigger boobs than you.

3- Eggs. This one is self-explanatory. Come on, they come out of the butt-holes of diseased birds. Just...eww.

4- Fish live in seas polluted by chemical and human waste. You want your fillet with a hint of poop or petroleum?

Now dairy...

Dairy is bad for you because em...well, phlegm and also gas. But it has also been associated with cancer and well... milk, that's just a secretion that comes out of another animal's boob-udder. Again eww... I'm no baby calf, thank you very much.

Next is fats:

Avocados are good I suppose and coconut oil. Olive oil is okay as long as you don't cook it on a high heat. These are the only 'good' fats I can think of. Someone once said something positive about ghee and butter, but I think they assassinated him a long time ago.

Vegetables and fruit

Yay! Finally something we can eat, right? WRONG. Vegetables are full of pesticides and carcinogenic chemicals. Fruits are high in fructose and foods high in fructose have been linked to diabetes and also, you guessed it! Cancer. Juices are too high in natural sugars that are still bad for you.

I know what you're thinking: Okay, okay- go organic and eat more veg than fruits. WRONG AGAIN. Organic is a lie. A big conspiracy theory. Many farms claim to be organic by manipulating the certification requirements. Other farms will mix organic and non-organic produce then use sly marketing tactics to give you the impression that everything is organic- I was told this by a farm owner who has inspected 'organic' farms.

Rice, bread, grains

You means...carbs? I don't need to do much persuading here. Everyone already hates carbs- poor things. But did you know that rice is full of arsenic? Bloody hell, why not just feed your children a spoonful of poison?

Simple carbs in white flour and white pasta = sugar = EVIL.

Wholemeal rice, bread etc. = EVIL.

Wait...what? Why!?

Wholefoods and legumes affect the absorption of iron and not recommended in high doses. Seriously, read about it.

So say bye to those whole-grains and beans on toast- the latter causes painful bloating and is full of sugar anyway.

And now, in case my message is still unclear, let me repeat:

Fish and chips will kill you.

Tuna pasta bake will kill you.

A grilled cheese sandwich will kill you.

Cake will kill you.

Roast chicken will kill you.

Salad will kill you.

Vegetable curry will kill you.

Biryani will kill you.

Hummus will kill you.

Chocolate will kill you.

Kabsa will kill you.

Quiche will kill you.

Toast will kill you.

WATER will kill you- this is no joke drinking too much water in a short period of time is toxic. Read about it. Actually don't read about it. Don't read anything. Just open that fridge and bloody eat something.

God I'm hungry.

'Food' for thought in this week's post. Let me know your thoughts on healthy eating and see you all next Tuesday! And seriously, what can I eat that won't kill me?