Remember those times when you'd walk in on your mum and her girlfriends in the kitchen and suddenly everyone acts weird and goes quiet? Well, I'm here to tell you a secret. Married women are part of an exclusive, underground society. I know this because years ago I was on the outside looking in, wondering what could possibly be so funny about men and Iranian kebabs... But now I'm married. I finally understand the truth and it's time I share it with all of you.
The Married Ladies Secret Society is a time-old club that was created outside the scope of normal social customs and expectations. It's where 'good' women get a little naughty. You know, nibble on nuts (literally and metaphorically), drink a lot (well, mostly tea), get drunk (on sugar from all the desserts) then gossip about their husbands and joke about sex. Then they eat some more and talk again about sex.
Yeah...things can get super saucy.
If you're unmarried and reading this, I'm sorry to say that you will not be admitted into this club. This is because unmarried women in our ancient and much respected Middle Eastern cultures are still girls, and girls must never hear or talk about sex- or do yoga (cuz we all know what that does to your virginity, right?).
What did you say? You're a 35 year-old unmarried engineer? Sorry, we still can't admit you into our club because a woman only reaches true maturity once she's been penetrated. It's a rite of passage, if you will.
And totally scientific.
But please, remind your 16 year-old cousin to complete her application form. We'd love to have her in our Society. As a fellow married woman, I'm sure she will appreciate the complexity of what we do in our group meetings.
As for all of you unmarried ladies, please step aside. Know that you are excluded and patronized for your own good. A woman's innocence is a precious thing and we really don't want to be titillating you with all our sexy talk- especially when you have no outlet for those sorts of things, poor girls.
But don't worry. You're time will come, maybe at 30 or 40 or 50. But the day will come when a man eventually takes you to his bed and you finally become a fully grown adult.
Hope you all enjoyed this week's satirical piece! See you next Tuesday for a new blog post :)