Updated: Jul 18, 2018
If you're a hijabi, I'm sure you'll remember seeing this pic floating around:
Man, I thought this was genius when I first saw it as a teen. I know...what a fool right?
I think we can all agree that these food metaphors for women are not only offensive but super outdated. And really, if you're going to go down that road at least be accurate about it. Women are not pieces of candy. Although men would like us to be 'sweet like chocolate', we are far from that.
No. Women are more like stew, hearty and bold, with lots of different things going on at the same time. Better still, women are like spaghetti bolognese- savory, moderately technical, tasty but messy if you're not careful. And if a fly ever lands on that scrumptious plate, you don't think:
'Ahh, damn, should've covered that plate. It's not like the fly could help itself.'
What you bloody do is find something and smack that rascal hard enough to kill him but not so hard that you end up scarping a fly corpse off your Vogue magazine.
But you don't just stop there. You then go out and buy yourself one of these bad boys:
and you wait...till you lure all those little flying demons and hear the crackling sound of each one of their deaths.
Then you jump onto the sofa and give a triumphant cackle.
This my dears is an accurate metaphor of how 'fly-like' men should be treated. You know them; men who think that sexually harassing women is a 'natural' and excusable consequence of the way women dress. What we need to do to these kind of people is the following:
The ones who dare touch that bolognese should be subjected to a whole lot of pain. Then their little Trump-supporting, 'let's grab that bolognese by the noodle' accomplices should be rounded up and left on an island where they can grab each another's noodles.
Hehe...I love language. Totally laughing at that joke.
Now I'm sure you're wondering: 'Alwia, if women are spaghetti bolognese, what are men?'
This one is easy. Men are potatoes.
And the life-purpose of every woman is to transform said potato into cheesy mash, double fried chips, and if you're super ambitious, dauphinoise potatoes. But in reality, the potato will always be a potato. And a lot of marital problems could be solved if men understood that women are spaghetti bolognese and women understood that men are potatoes. We're different, will always be different, but we somehow complement one another. Admittedly, a bit too much carbs, but still...
Best relationship advice you'll ever get.
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Twitter : @alwiawrites